some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
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I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
She puts the hot in psychotic
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare