If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
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Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on