I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
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I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
all that yoga finally paid off
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore