I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Looking at you, Jesus.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.