Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
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I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Autocorrect is my menesis
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.