I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
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ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Monday?
No. Next question.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.