My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
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Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably