My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
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If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted