Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
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*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
How high do the levels go?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god