ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
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College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
*limbos away from your hug*
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?