Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
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When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I’m literally crying
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.