My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
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My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
is this a warning or an offer?
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.