Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
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Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river