the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
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I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.