ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!