Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Still a very good boi….
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”