Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
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Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.