an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
lost dog
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…