If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
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Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.