My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
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[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Me driving through Toronto
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.