The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
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If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
True
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .