shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
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I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
When he asks for feet pics
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
superterriblemorningexpialidocious