things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
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microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?