Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
You Might Also Like
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.