Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
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My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
i would wish you the best but i am the best
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Harsh but fair
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you