[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
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OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
OH. COME. ON.