My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
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Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich