My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
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It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me