Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
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When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!