Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
You Might Also Like
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
pizza
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.