That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
What’s this sorcery? 😂
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.