If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
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Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Squirrels before girls.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?