ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
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my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
🐕🍷
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.