JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
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*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Fiction has to make sense.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…