A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
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72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house