If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
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I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this