Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
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*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks