*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
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Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Saw online –
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.