I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Growing out my freckles.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now