Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones