Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
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7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Wedding planning is organized crime.