If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
2022 be like
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”