[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
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Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Ummm
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.