Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
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[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel