I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
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the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”