People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
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Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.