Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
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Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.