My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*