axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
You Might Also Like
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.