ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
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Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
that de-escalated quickly
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.